Officer Bob

PAKISTAN: I dunno where dis country is onna map, but after watchin’ dis video you can color me interested in learning more about their police interrogation techniques. Unless dere onea those terrorist places…I get confused. Oh, I just checked Fox News – Pakistan’s one of our pals. Sign me up!

SWISSVALE, PA: Gee, great. The FBI is once again investigating some local cops just because they somehow ended up with a corpse on the udder end of their tasers. Like the feds don’t have enough to do what with fighting terrorism and all. All to get some boys in blue. What’s dis country comin’ to anyway? When are we gonna learn that the word of witnesses can’t be trusted when we’re out there puttin’ da force back into law enforcement?

SEATTLE – Can’t tell when this clip was shot, but it does have a couple of grunge refugees in it, so I figure it’s recent.  My favorite part is the very end when the female officer stands to block the camera.  Nice work – nobody needs to see us kneel on a guy’s head, do they?

LOS ANGELES – The way I figure it, it can’t be that surprising to new arrivals to this country the way things work: the cops own the streets, the parks and everything under the sun, and the people own the right to get the hell out of the cops’ way when the cop says so. Easy. Sure, sometimes we gotta use a helicopter to get our point across, but that’s the US of A for ya: a big production of a simple story.

The artist’s name is Shephard Fairey, also known as OBEY. Goddamn right you better obey. I’m gonna order up fifty of these and wallpaper up the rumpus room wit’ ‘em.

DEVNER – Don’t let it be said that the Republical convention in Minneapolis got all the good policin’ – we did a pretty decent job herding the hippies in Denver too. In this clip, check out how we handle “free speech” the exact same way the Marlboro man and his cowpoke buddies handle a herd of cattle. Then again , the comparison is an insult to cattle: you can’t make delicious hamburgers out of useless hippies. Move ‘em out!

STARK COUNTY, OH – If you’re a victim of a crime in Ohio, you gotta make sure that when the cops show up, you don’t let them get it into their heads that you might be the perpetrator. Because if that happens, it’s a one way ticket to a party in a cell with a bunch of officers that’s gonna leave you buck naked and screaming, Abu Ghraib style. No, really.

Look, like I said a few days ago, when the Republicans come to town, it’s tough titty for the “civil rights” people.

A police state isn’t that hard to live under. There’s too much fuss over what’s going on in Minneapolis at the RNC convention, and I bet it’s merely because people don’t know what a police state looks like or how it works. It works like this: don’t call yourself a journalist and wave around your credentials when the officers come to remove you from the area.

Any questions?

Officer Bob and Officer Tom work the oldest trick in the policeman’s handbook.

 Officer Bob Episode #9 - Good Cop, Bad Cop [1:42m]: Download (971)

ELKHART, IN – Indiana police officers recently toughed out a sustained assault on their working environment when a depraved motorist presented herself for…processing…at the station. Officers can be seen on the video collecting photographic evidence and otherwise maintaining the strictest professional standards. Whatever you do, don’t take a close look at the computer desktop wallpaper visible on the officer’s monitor. It wouldn’t be right to rubberneck on a photographic investigation in progress.